Dysfunctional Family
by CrazyHinata
Summary: Itachi was happy. He was twentyfive with a great life... that is untill his wife Hinata decides they should adopt a certain six year old redhead. I warn you... It screws up the story but it guarintees a laugh! COMPLETE
1. Adoption

**A/N: I warn all of you now. This is going to severely screw up the Naruto story line. In this fic, Gaara is six, Itachi is twenty-five, and Hinata is twenty. **

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine! - The idea was shared between Tanllwyth, Marrick and me. Enjoy yourself. **

**Dysfunctional Family**

**Chapter 1: Adoption**

Itachi Uchiha was a happy man. He had a wife and a home. Even his brother had come to terms with his past deeds. He was a very happy man. However, when Hinata Uchiha decided she wanted to adopt a strange child from the Village Hidden in the Sand his life took and unexpected turn.

---

"Itachi, breakfast is ready!" the now non-stuttering Hinata yelled from the kitchen.

"I'm coming!" he shouted back. The Uchiha got dressed and walked into his kitchen to find Hinata smiling over a boy with red hair and green eyes. He looked to be six years old and held a teddy bear in one hand while he picked at his eggs with the other.

"Hinata, what is **_that_**?" He questioned. That earned him a glare from the boy and the twenty year old woman.

"His name is Gaara, and we are adopting him. The villagers hate him. Please can he stay Itachi?" Hinata was doing that face again. He sighed in exasperation and looked at **_it. _**"No," he said plainly.

He sat down and began eating his food as the kid looked up to Hinata.

"Please don't make me go. Please, I want you to be my mommy!" He said pleadingly. Hinata rushed over and gave him a hug. After she had let go he devoured his teddy bear and smiled at her. Itachi was disgusted.

"Do you want another?" She asked happily. The boy smiled and nodded. She pulled a teddy bear from where only the Lord knows and gave it to Gaara.

Itachi watched this routine about five times and finally said, "Stop feeding **_it_**, Hinata." "He is not an it, Itachi," She screamed almost as loud as Lee.

"Pour me some coffee," he said.

"No."

"Why?"

"Not until you say he can be ours."

Now Itachi was annoyed. It was a Saturday, his wife wanted to house a demon under their room, she was feeding **_it _**teddy bears from nowhere, and he was thirsty. This was going to be a long day. And each time she gave that thing a bear it made him sick. He just wanted to throw it out of his house.

"If you keep doing that, **_it _**will bite your hand."

"Itachi!"

"Fine, we will keep **_it_** and raise him to do our bidding."

"Thank you Itachi!" Hinata said and rapped her arms around her husband's neck in a hug.

"I love you Mommy. I love you Daddy," Gaara said. Over Hinata's shoulder Itachi caught a glimpse of Gaara's evil smirk. 'Great. Now I have a demon kid trying to kill myself and my oblivious wife. I just **_love_** life,' he thought.

---

"So, what are we going to name **_it_**? Or are we just going to leave **_its_** name Gaara?" Itachi asked while the stood in the middle of the kitchen ten minutes later. Hinata was now washing dishes, while Gaara was eating more bears.

Gaara ran over and hugged Hinata's leg. "Momma, tell that bastard that I'm a child not an it dammit!"

"He's a child not an it dammit!" Hinata yelled, pointing her finger at Itachi and throwing suds everywhere. Itachi just stared, while Gaara giggled. Suddenly, sense came to him and he bent down and smacked Gaara's hand.

"Don't use that language, Potty-mouth," He said. Gaara looked up at Hinata who smiled and nodded. He frowned and she patted his head.

"It's ok, Sweetie. Daddy means well. Go on, Itachi, pat him," Hinata coed. He bent down, sighing, and patted Gaara's head, but as soon as Hinata focused on the dishes again, Gaara bit "Daddy". He bit his lip to prevent screaming obscenities and cringed. "See, Itachi?" Hinata asked, turning around. "Yeah, I see," He forced out. She raised her eyebrow at how Gaara was now hanging onto Itachi with his teeth. "That's not nice Gaara," she began to scold, but soon Itachi was swinging his arm madly trying to get **_it_** off of him. She silently panicked for her new child as he flew off of Itachi and landed on his head.

"Momma!" Gaara yelled. She rushed to him and held him while she screamed, "Itachi!" The Sharingan user froze in his tracks. Hinata was using that tone again. It really scared him. She set Gaara down on the floor and stood up facing her husband. She glared at him. Gaara silently laughed at Itachi's expression of fear.

"He started it!"

She still glared.

"He did! He bit me!"

She glared more.

They stood there like that until finally she spoke.

"Go to the corner."

"What?"

"Go to the corner, Itachi," she said coldly.

"But, but, I…"

"I said go!"

"But, Hinata," His eyes widened as realization dawned on him.

"MARCH!"

Finally the once proud Uchiha walked to the corner with his head down thinking one thought, 'I'm going to get that kid!'

To be continued!

---

Ok… there is the first chapter! Hope you liked it… Tell me what you think

-later


	2. Rolling Pins and Meatloaf

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine! **

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, everybody!**

**Dysfunctional Family**

**Chapter 2: Rolling Pins and Meatloaf**

It had been about ten hours since the corner incident. The new 'family' was in the living room. Hinata was explaining to Gaara that all those teddy bears would ruin his supper, and Itachi sat on the couch thinking.

Hinata got up to leave the room at one point, and Gaara glared at Itachi. Then Itachi heard a low sound from **_it_**. "Did you just growl at me?" he asked Gaara. The boy simply smiled and blinked innocently at Hinata as she returned to the room with a book. As she put it on the book shelf Itachi said, "I don't think he likes me that much."

"Why whatever would give you that impression?" she asked not turning around. Gaara growled again, lowly so Hinata wouldn't hear.

Itachi shook his head as she turned around and said, "I have no idea what I was thinking," sarcastically.

She frowned at him and replied, "I'm going to go cook. How does meatloaf sound?"

Itachi nodded, backing away from Gaara. The boy just smiled and said, "Anything you make will be good; you're the best cook ever, Mommy."

She smiled and said, "Be nice you two." Then she left the room. Gaara dropped his fake innocence and smiled evilly at Itachi.

"Holy shit," he said backing up against the wall, "HINATA! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH **_IT_**-UH-HIM!"

She ducked her head through the door way and smiled at Gaara who had dropped to the floor and rolled onto his back smiling. "But, it'll be a great chance to bond."

"Hi mommy," Gaara said sweetly smiling.

"DON'T YOU ACT ALL INNOCENT! CAN'T YOU SEE THROUGH HIS LIE! HINATA, ARE YOU LISTENING!" Itachi screamed his wife who was now smiling and waving at Gaara. "Of course Dear," she said absently. Gaara waved back at her happily. Itachi just twitched. It was all he could do and it really scared him. Hinata then left the room saying, "I'm going to go finish dinner now."

Gaara then dropped his act and turned towards Itachi, smiling.

"Great, I can just see the headlines now. Twenty-five year old super ninja killed by a six year old possessed **_thing_**," The Uchiha sighed.

Gaara smiled at him and dropped to the floor crying and screaming, "Momma! Daddy keeps calling me possessed and saying ugly words towards me!"

At this point Hinata came running into the living room with a rolling pin.

"Dammit." The Uchiha began to run around the living room in fear.

"ITACHI, COME BACK HERE AND APPOLOGIZE!"

Gaara clapped his hands happily behind his 'mommy'.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!"

"Say you're sorry!"

"Fine, I'm sorry," he said pouting.

"It's not your fault you're an idiot," Gaara said smiling.

"See? Hinata!"

"Gaara, that wasn't nice. You need to apologize." Hinata scolded.

"I'm sorry, Itachi," he said bowing slightly.

"Thank you Gaara," she said.

"Anything for you, Mommy."

"Is everyone happy?" she asked. Gaara nodded, but Itachi suddenly yelled, "I'M NOT! He keeps getting me in trouble and I didn't do anything."

"LIES! LIES!" Gaara yelled. Itachi was about to protest when Hinata went psycho on them again, "THAT'S ENOUGH, BOTH OF YOU! Come to the table and eat! Dinner is ready!" The she stormed into the kitchen.

---

Dinner was nice enough. Afterwards Hinata cleaned up the kitchen and Itachi showed Gaara to a spare room that would be his.

"I don't sleep, Itachi," he said evilly to the man.

"Why?" he sighed.

Gaara grinned evilly, "Because, the demon will get out and rip you two limb from limb."

The man ran put of the room screaming, "Hinata!"

"She turned around as her husband entered the kitchen and latched on to her protectively. Gaara came in and smirked at him. He latched onto Hinata's leg and smiled.

"What is it Itachi?" she asked.

He looked at the boy's fake innocence and frowned.

"Nothing," he mumbled.

And he slumped out of the kitchen leaving a confused wife and smirking Gaara.

---

Well, what did you think? ---Thanks for reading…. I'll try to update again soon…

-Later


	3. Itachi's Long Night

**A/N: Thanks for your reviews! I'm sorry I took so long. I had to do some rearranging with the story. By the way, I'm answering questions at the bottom. **

**Disclaimer: Honestly, do you think I own it? **

**Dysfunctional Family Chapter 3:**

**Itachi's Long Night**

"It's late Itachi. I'm going to bed. You give Gaara another bear and put him to bed," Hinata said. Itachi sighed and handed Gaara a bear and said, "It's not like he can sleep, you know. He'll loose whatever sanity he has left."

"Well then stay up and play with him," she said while Gaara smiled innocently, "I'm going to bed."

"NO! Hinata wait!" Itachi yelled.

"What is it Itachi?" she said turning around to face him.

"Don't leave me here with him!" he yelled.

"Itachi! Be nice."

"I am being nice," he insisted to his wife. Gaara grabbed his toes cutely and rolled over.

"He is your new son after all," she insisted.

"Is he still alive?"

"Of course he is! Gaara," she said turning to the red head, "would you like Daddy to play with you?" The boy looked up at the byakugan user and blinked innocently. Then he smiled and nodded his head vigorously.

"Damn," he said quietly.

"See, Itachi, He loves you, and," she walked over to the Uchiha and slapped him across the face, "quit cussing in front of the baby!"

"Ouch! He's six Hinata. He's not a baby."

"He's my baby."

Itachi twitched.

"Night night Mommy!" Gaara said.

"G'night Hinata."

"Night Sweetie," she said waving to Gaara, then, "Good night Itachi." Itachi twitched again. He realized he had been doing that a lot lately and sighed.

She exited the room and Itachi glared at Gaara as he dropped his act again. "I don't buy your act little man." Gaara just laughed evilly.

Itachi looked around the room and said to** _it_**, "Ok, let's see what we can do. I know! Let's play a game. It's called "stop playing innocent in front of mommy and getting Daddy in trouble before Daddy goes cannibal on Little Gaara". Got it?"

Gaara sighed and sand appeared, "This is only fair."

---

Five minutes later found Itachi in a sand coffin hanging from a light fixture. He began to kick and scream while Gaara laughed.

"ITACHI! GAARA!" Hinata yelled running through the halls. The screams had woken her up and now she was worried.

As she entered the living room Itachi screamed louder and Gaara turned around innocently saying, "Yes, Mommy?"

"What's with all the screaming?"

"It's Daddy. We're playing a game!"

She turned to the sand coffin and said in an icy tone, "And what is that game called?"

Gaara answered again for her, "It was something about being a cannibal and eating me because he's a mean daddy, but I like this game better. Don't you Daddy?" Gaara twitched when he finished his 'explanation'.

Itachi began to swing violently in the coffin.

"Gaara will you release Itachi and go into Mommy and Daddy's room please?" Hinata said sweetly. Itachi began to panic.

"Anything for you Mommy," he said sweetly as he released Itachi and left the room.

"Ahh shit… Hey, Hinata."

"UCHIHA ITACHI!"

"AHH!" then the man ran shamefully around the room.

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING!" she yelled while chasing him.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!"

"THEN STOP AND EXPLAIN!"

The man stopped and so did his wife. Meanwhile Gaara was in the bedroom using Third eye jutsu and snickering.

"You said you were going to eat him?" she asked raising her eyebrow. Itachi saw the anger (and…amusement?) in her white eyes.

"I was just joking. I was trying to bond with the kid. I'm not a cannibal. That's crazy!" he raved. Gaara snickered madly in the other room, Hinata glared, and Itachi waved his hands nervously in front of him.

"Then you won't mind teaching him some jutsus tomorrow then will you?" It was more a demand than a request. It was then that Itachi's eyes got really big.

"WHY? SO HE CAN FUCKING KILL ME?"

"DON'T SCREAM AT ME!"

"You do it."

"I CAN'T! I HAVE TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS! YOU WILL TEACH HIM LIKE A FATHER SHOULD!"

"Well thanks. Now I feel this big," he said holding up his hands with barely any space in between them. She simply glared at him. Gaara sneezed in the other room.

"But….but…" he said jumping up and down. Her glare deepened and he sighed.

"Fine, but what should I teach him? It's not like I can teach him the Sharingan."

"Teach him anything you can think of."

"I guess I'll teach him the harem jutsu." He sighed.

"Good, now go to bed and send Gaara in. I'll stay up with him," she said.

"Ok, c'mere Gaara," he yelled. The boy shuffled in.

"Enjoy," he muttered to his wife as he left the room.

---

Ok… That's it! I hope you like it! I'll update soon… now to answer a few questions.

1: Gaara doesn't have Hinata under a spell. He's her "baby" remember? So she sees no wrong in him.

2: I don't think he'll be hurting Hinata. I'll have to check with my sources. Besides, It is funnier if she over looks his faults.

3: I don't really know why he is eating teddy bears. You can ask Gaara of Sunagakure about that. She and .-xItachi Uchihax-. helped me with this anyways.

4: And as for what happens next… -drum roll- I cannot disclose that information! But you'll find out soon.

Ok tell me what you think!

-Later


	4. The Unfortunate Uchiha's Sock Family

**Dysfunctional Family Chapter 4: The Unfortunate Uchiha's Sock Family **

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.**

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews!**

Itachi made his way to the master bedroom and sighed. When he arrived he pleasantly fell onto the covers. He was about to fall asleep when he heard laughter from the other room.

"Mommy let's make Daddy something, since he's having a bad night."

"That sounds like a great idea, Gaara! How about…"

"Sock puppets!" Gaara yelled as Hinata yelled, "A Zen Garden!" The two looked at each other and laughed. "Or we could make both, Mommy!" Gaara said happily.

"That sounds great Gaara; I'll start the puppets…"

"And I'll get the sand!"

It was at that moment Uchiha, Itachi fell off of his bed. He did not merely roll off. He sat up, cringed, and fell over in shock, landing on the floor. So, like any logical ninja, he got up and lay down on his dresser.

-The other room-

Hinata pleasantly sewed the puppets while Gaara put the Zen Garden together.

"Momma, where are we going to put this?" Gaara asked innocently.

"We can put it on the bookshelf in the bedroom," she replied.

"But, Daddy's clumsy, and he might accidentally knock it off," Gaara pouted.

Hinata put her finger to her chin and finally said, "Then we'll put it on the very top, so he cannot reach it."

Gaara clapped happily. Itachi, having heard the entire tirade, fell off of the dresser. It was about five in the morning, and he decided the best place to sleep would be under the bed. He grabbed his pillow and scooted halfway under the bed. Suddenly, he heard footsteps. He groaned and Hinata slammed the door open and turned on the lights.

"Good morning Itachi!" She screamed. Startled, he looked up at her. She had a very large 'naruto-grin' on her face and three sock puppets in her hands. Gaara was at her side with a tiny Zen Garden in his arms. Itachi twitched for the millionth time that night.

They walked over to him, and he came out from under the bed. He saw that the sock puppets had a likeness of each of them.

"Daddy, we made you presents," Gaara said smiling sweetly at Itachi. The man flinched and examined the sock family and the Zen Garden closer. He smiled at the two hesitantly and said, "Thanks, you two."

"You're welcome," Hinata said, while Gaara used the sand to lift the Zen Garden to the top of the book shelf. He put the sock puppets she had handed him on the nightstand and sat on the bed.

"Itachi, why were you half way under the bed?" Hinata asked. The man shrugged and answered, "Because I fell off the dresser."

The woman raised her eyebrow and was about to ask what was wrong with the bed when Gaara suddenly asked, "Momma, can we go to the park?" He looked genuinely excited and Hinata looked at Itachi, saying, "Itachi we should go! We can have a picnic! Please!" She made that puppy face at him. He really hated when she did that face.

He sighed, "Hinata, we cannot take him to the park."

"Why?"

"You are feeding him teddy bears, think about what people will say!"

"Look at our ages! Now think about what people will say!" **(A/N: yes they are still 20 and 25)**

"Wait- how old are you?" Itachi questioned. He had never given a thought to his wife's age.

"It's a secret!" she exclaimed.

Gaara clapped, amused.

"Great, a twenty-five year old dad, a six year old kid, and a 'secret' mom," Itachi said sarcastically. She continued with the puppy eyes and he finally gave in, "Fine."

"Yay! Thank you Itachi!" Hinata yelled, hugging Itachi. She left to pack the picnic basket, Gaara at her heels, while Itachi pulled on his cloak.

"I hate that kid," he mumbled.

**….. To be continued!**

Ok… so tell me what you think?

-later


	5. Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

**Dysfunctional Family**

**Chapter 5: Parting Is Such _Sweet_ Sorrow**

**Disclaimer: Only Itachi's suffering is mine. And even then, it is only 1/3 mine. WHAAAAA**

Itachi sighed from hid place on the park bench. Hinata was busily picking up the empty plastic bowls and putting them in the picnic basket. The Uchiha's eyes wandered to where Gaara played in the sandbox.

Itachi frowned as he recalled why **_it_** was playing alone.

_FLASHBACK_

_Gaara happily made his way to the sandbox after eating. Itachi smiled at the little kids playing in the sand. _

"_Only God knows why so many people are here at five in the morning," the shinobi muttered under his breath. _

"_Itachi, I'm going to the ladies' room. Keep an eye on Gaara."_

_The man sighed as his wife left him. He turned his attention back to Gaara and almost choked on the air he was breathing. _

**_It_** _had three children suspended in midair. Before the child could choke the kids with more sand, Itachi leaped into action, knowing his wife wasn't a fan of dead children. _

"_GAARA! PUT THEM DOWN. I WILL NOT BE BLAMED FOR THIS YOUNG MAN!" _

_The red-head regarded Itachi coldly, but put the children down nonetheless. He put up his hand to hurt the now frightened Uchiha, but stopped when Hinata came into view. _

"_Give me a hug Daddy!" _

_Itachi simply twitched as his wife cooed, and Gaara hugged him._

_END OF FLASHBACK_

"All done!" Hinata said energetically.

The sun was rising, and more people began to wander into the park. Itachi stood and walked to his wife and "child."

"We better go. I'm tired, and I don't want to be seen by any ninja from Hidden Leaf," Itachi grumbled. Hinata nodded, and Gaara glared at the man, promising him an early death.

The "family" turned to leave, but were greeted by a person instead of scenery.

'He looks like a chick,' Itachi thought.

"Gaara! I'm so happy I found you," The man declared.

Hinata put her hand on Gaara's unmoving shoulder.

"And who, may I ask, are you?" Hinata said coldly. Itachi regarded the man bored.

"I am Yashamaru, Gaara's uncle," he replied. Hinata's eyes automatically reverted to the byakugan. Itachi quickly stepped into action.

"I believe my wife has grown found of your nephew; but if his absence has upset you and your family, we must let him go," Itachi said smoothly.

Yashamaru smiled and held out his hand to Gaara.

"Momma, I don't want to go home with uncle to Kazekage. He's a bastard!" Gaara said moving towards Hinata. Itachi frowned as she looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Hinata! His dad is Kazekage! If we keep him it is kidnapping. We have to let him go. It is the best thing for him.

Hinata looked at Itachi in disbelief.

"What if he tries to kill him?!"

"That could never happen!" Itachi reasoned.

Hinata looked bewildered, but finally hugged **_it_** and said, "Go on Gaara. Itachi is right. This is best. You can come back at anytime, ok?"

Gaara glared at Itachi and mouthed, "I'll get you," when Hinata wasn't looking.

Finally the little terror took his teddy bear and walked down the trail with Yashamaru.

Just when Itachi thought he was home free, Gaara turned and yelled, "Bye, Momma! Bye, **_Daddy! _**I'll see you soon!"

Itachi twitched and left with Hinata as she muttered random things about 'her baby.'

"I'm going to miss him Itachi!"

"Me too, Hinata," he lied as they entered their home, for once in peace.

**---- End**

**Ok, that's the end! I will make a sequel for when Gaara becomes a teenager, so don't worry about him being left out. Thanks for reading… I apologize for the shortness, and I know it's kind of lame, but this is what came to me. Well, later! **


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